Mother nature....I DESPISE YOU!

CD 19 and I noticed slight spotting during my last trip to the bathroom.  AF not due for another 8 to 9 days so I guess dear sweet mother nature is playing games with me and my hormones again.... I refuse to read much into it which would lead to my hoping it is implantation spotting...Not going down that road again to just be disappointed...  Just irritated by it and needed to vent and get it out of me so that it won't fester. 

"always the bridesmaid...never the bride".....

Well in my case it's always the preggo's friend never the preggo. Ugh just about sums it up as the ugly witch lurks heartlessly right around the corner. I stupidly had high hopes for this cycle. Timed intercourse couldn't have been any better! The weeks following ovulation felt different and led me to regrettable hope. Just goes to prove none of the bodily signs mean thing. Raised temps for 10 consecutive days don't mean a thing. Perfectly timed intercourse don't mean a thing. Increased cervical fluid doesn't mean a thing. Weird pinches and heaviness in the location of the uterus doesn't mean a thing. Tiredness moreso than normal, stuffy nose, bleeding gums...all don't mean a thing. Dreams of being preggo in addition to my extremely vivid dreams don't mean a thing. None of it means a damn thing! Except yet another failure....another disappointment and more hurt on Arts face when I have to tell him. Whether it's his fertility issues or my damn PCOS causing the issue I have no idea. What I do know is this blows. Adoption is out of the question and IVF is too I am sure. Cost of them both are astronomical. Not sure what course is next. I think I've cried enough tears behind closed doors to fill Lake Travis back up...at least that's how it feels. Having to stifle it all and go about life as if all is perfect is definitely challenging at times. I am so thankful for what I do have...don't get me wrong. I cherish my family and those dear amazing friends who are always there for me no matter what....always have a supportive or loving word. My mom and family, my mom and dad in law, Merry and Donald...they all make my world complete and are always there for us. I am grateful for my being able to go back to school. My family and school are what keeps me together and brings such joy to my heart. All of this does bring comfort to me yet still can't resolve the longing and emptiness we feel.

(I apologize if there are any typos....typing this on my iPhone....lol).

To those who are always there with a warm caring thought....Mom...Deb...Sarah...Liz...Cher...and others - I live y'all and it means so much to have such caring people around us. Xoxoxo

Sitting waiting wishing hoping....

Well I'm in the 1ww (1 week wait) before AF is due to show her face. Another dreaded week of waiting...man I'm sick of this broken record.

Knife in the gut...heart....you take your pick....

Soooooooooooooo my ex and his new wife welcomed a healthy, big baby boy into the world yesterday and hearing/seeing the pictures of the baby and the happy lil family has just wrecked me right now... Now of course I am happy that the baby is healthy and that all is well. I would never wish harm upon any of them.... but I will be honest it does kill me that he gets to be blessed with a beautiful lil baby and we don't.  I'm fighting back tears every second and I can feel the bitterness trying to engulf my heart and soul.  It was bad enough seeing a recent FB "omg I'm pg" post by yet another irresponsible, drug using girl who changes guys like she changes underwear...and lo and behold she has no clue who the daddy is...  I pray for these babies. I pray they grow up loved and cared for. I pray that history will never repeat itself and that these babies live a very happy, secure life.

I gotta shake this off. It goes against who I am to be bitter like this. I sure as heck don't need to fall into the poor me syndrome...  but man this sure does hurt....

Fake it till you make it!

Put on a happy face. Put on a happy face. Fake it till you make it! Be thankful for what I do have. Don't dwell on what I don't...

Must have been on Santas naughty list----

Not only no snow but spotting came today as my present....yay me. Guess AF is on her way...was so hoping for a miracle....would love to just lay in bed....

Cd 24 ---10 days past ovulation---4 or 5 days until AF is due....cramping pretty bad-guess it's pre-AF cramps. Even tested just for the heck of it.and of course nothing Another cycle down the toilet. Another knife into my heart. Was so hoping for a Christmas miracle... Gonna have a good cry and then put my big girl panties on along with a smile and "never let 'me see you sweat"..... This sucks. The end.