Fake it till you make it!

Put on a happy face. Put on a happy face. Fake it till you make it! Be thankful for what I do have. Don't dwell on what I don't...

Must have been on Santas naughty list----

Not only no snow but spotting came today as my present....yay me. Guess AF is on her way...was so hoping for a miracle....would love to just lay in bed....

Cd 24 ---10 days past ovulation---4 or 5 days until AF is due....cramping pretty bad-guess it's pre-AF cramps. Even tested just for the heck of it.and of course nothing Another cycle down the toilet. Another knife into my heart. Was so hoping for a Christmas miracle... Gonna have a good cry and then put my big girl panties on along with a smile and "never let 'me see you sweat"..... This sucks. The end.

Let the insanity begin....

On cycle day 19 today.... 5 DPO... so now I'm in the midst of yet another two week wait...well actually about 10 days.... yay me....bring on the NOT trying to hope, worry, wonder, pray etc...etc.. I promise I am trying to NOT read anything into anything this cycle and even if something makes me wonder or hope I am telling myself there's no way I'm preggo...that way the disappointment is less.  I will not pray that I am preggo every other second like I did last cycle. Just ready to get through the next 10 days quickly. If it's God's will....it will happen....that's what I keep telling myself.  Still get bitter at times...especially after hearing of a local 17 year old girl killing her 3 day old baby....by putting COCAINE in his bottle.... sickens me beyond words!!!!! I sure as heck don't understand the way things work out...but guess it's not my place to understand... I am so very grateful for the two girls I have and for the wonderful husband God gave me...for our own home, food on the table, and wonderful family and friends. I have some awesomely awesome friends that I would never trade for any amount of gold in the world...and I love y'all for always being there for me and for always understanding. <3  I'd be lying if I said I still don't desperately want a baby...I do.... but I also realize I must be thankful for what I do have...and I am...just would love a baby with Art to complete our lil family.

Put on a happy face.....

That's all you can do sometimes, right? Smile...never let them see you cry....never let them see you sweat...just put on the happy face and keep on trucking.  Blah......

Period FINALLY showed up...after being 4 days late....and with a VENGEANCE! So much so that I had to call my doctor...going through numerous feminine products in an hour....and passing a huge grayish-red 'clot' had me freaked out. Dr. seems to think I may have had a missed miscarriage... If that is the case, I am thankful that I did not continue to test these last few days.  Had it shown up positive and then I ended up losing it, I truly believe I would have gone insane.... This way is easier.... somewhat....I guess.  It's all in God's plans....as is everything.  A dear friend had a miscarriage last month....and this month is preggo and her bloodwork is good and strong...so maybe I will luck out and have that happen as well... but not counting on it.  Need to seriously start researching cost of IUI and IVF.... For now...on to round 3 of Clomid....  but deep inside I still feel defective and defeated. Gotta push that deep down inside me though...have finals the next two weeks....gotta do well....can't become even more of a defect....

My heart is crushed...soul is defeated....

I guess even the most promising charts don't mean a thing....and as for the infamous 'implantation dip'... I do believe it's not a well proven theory...because I had what looked to be THE CLASSIC implantation dip....and as far as yesterday and today's tests go....BIG FAT NOTHING!  Temp did go down this morning....Yet...still no AF.... guess my body likes to continue playing it's cruel trick on me...for every time I check and no sign of red, I stupidly hold on to hope that maybe this is a repeat of when I was preggo with Kensie and couldn't get an hpt to read positive until I was almost 8 weeks preggo.   Been trying to hold it together...yet everything and anything  causes tears to well up...  My soul truly feels defeated...I feel defective...I feel unworthy.  How the heck can God bless that bastard Jon with another child and yet not Art???

Trying to not get my hopes up.........

I'm on cd20 and it is becoming increasingly more difficult to not get my hopes up as I am getting closer and closer to the end of my cycle. Especially since I had a big temperature dip yesterday that coincides with around when there could be implantation so now I am consumed with wondering if it was an implantation dip..... or just a fluke....add to that the fact that I was nauseated off and on all day yesterday....which from what I've read can coincide with implantation....Ugh~ add to that the fact that I am not experiencing any breast soreness that usually begins a week before my period starts. All of these leaves me so very hopeful and yet my brain keeps tellilng me "stop being so stupid Jeanie"... Guess we will know more in about a week.... I feel extremely foolish for allowing myself to get my hopes up....but how can I not be hopeful...We want this so badly....and man it would be the best birthday present for Art!  I need to come on back to reality though.... and realize that I'm just grasping at straws and that it will probably be another big fat negative....