Fake it till you make it!

Put on a happy face. Put on a happy face. Fake it till you make it! Be thankful for what I do have. Don't dwell on what I don't...

Must have been on Santas naughty list----

Not only no snow but spotting came today as my present....yay me. Guess AF is on her way...was so hoping for a miracle....would love to just lay in bed....

Cd 24 ---10 days past ovulation---4 or 5 days until AF is due....cramping pretty bad-guess it's pre-AF cramps. Even tested just for the heck of it.and of course nothing Another cycle down the toilet. Another knife into my heart. Was so hoping for a Christmas miracle... Gonna have a good cry and then put my big girl panties on along with a smile and "never let 'me see you sweat"..... This sucks. The end.

Let the insanity begin....

On cycle day 19 today.... 5 DPO... so now I'm in the midst of yet another two week wait...well actually about 10 days.... yay me....bring on the NOT trying to hope, worry, wonder, pray etc...etc.. I promise I am trying to NOT read anything into anything this cycle and even if something makes me wonder or hope I am telling myself there's no way I'm preggo...that way the disappointment is less.  I will not pray that I am preggo every other second like I did last cycle. Just ready to get through the next 10 days quickly. If it's God's will....it will happen....that's what I keep telling myself.  Still get bitter at times...especially after hearing of a local 17 year old girl killing her 3 day old baby....by putting COCAINE in his bottle.... sickens me beyond words!!!!! I sure as heck don't understand the way things work out...but guess it's not my place to understand... I am so very grateful for the two girls I have and for the wonderful husband God gave me...for our own home, food on the table, and wonderful family and friends. I have some awesomely awesome friends that I would never trade for any amount of gold in the world...and I love y'all for always being there for me and for always understanding. <3  I'd be lying if I said I still don't desperately want a baby...I do.... but I also realize I must be thankful for what I do have...and I am...just would love a baby with Art to complete our lil family.

Put on a happy face.....

That's all you can do sometimes, right? Smile...never let them see you cry....never let them see you sweat...just put on the happy face and keep on trucking.  Blah......

Period FINALLY showed up...after being 4 days late....and with a VENGEANCE! So much so that I had to call my doctor...going through numerous feminine products in an hour....and passing a huge grayish-red 'clot' had me freaked out. Dr. seems to think I may have had a missed miscarriage... If that is the case, I am thankful that I did not continue to test these last few days.  Had it shown up positive and then I ended up losing it, I truly believe I would have gone insane.... This way is easier.... somewhat....I guess.  It's all in God's plans....as is everything.  A dear friend had a miscarriage last month....and this month is preggo and her bloodwork is good and strong...so maybe I will luck out and have that happen as well... but not counting on it.  Need to seriously start researching cost of IUI and IVF.... For now...on to round 3 of Clomid....  but deep inside I still feel defective and defeated. Gotta push that deep down inside me though...have finals the next two weeks....gotta do well....can't become even more of a defect....

My heart is crushed...soul is defeated....

I guess even the most promising charts don't mean a thing....and as for the infamous 'implantation dip'... I do believe it's not a well proven theory...because I had what looked to be THE CLASSIC implantation dip....and as far as yesterday and today's tests go....BIG FAT NOTHING!  Temp did go down this morning....Yet...still no AF.... guess my body likes to continue playing it's cruel trick on me...for every time I check and no sign of red, I stupidly hold on to hope that maybe this is a repeat of when I was preggo with Kensie and couldn't get an hpt to read positive until I was almost 8 weeks preggo.   Been trying to hold it together...yet everything and anything  causes tears to well up...  My soul truly feels defeated...I feel defective...I feel unworthy.  How the heck can God bless that bastard Jon with another child and yet not Art???

Trying to not get my hopes up.........

I'm on cd20 and it is becoming increasingly more difficult to not get my hopes up as I am getting closer and closer to the end of my cycle. Especially since I had a big temperature dip yesterday that coincides with around when there could be implantation so now I am consumed with wondering if it was an implantation dip..... or just a fluke....add to that the fact that I was nauseated off and on all day yesterday....which from what I've read can coincide with implantation....Ugh~ add to that the fact that I am not experiencing any breast soreness that usually begins a week before my period starts. All of these leaves me so very hopeful and yet my brain keeps tellilng me "stop being so stupid Jeanie"... Guess we will know more in about a week.... I feel extremely foolish for allowing myself to get my hopes up....but how can I not be hopeful...We want this so badly....and man it would be the best birthday present for Art!  I need to come on back to reality though.... and realize that I'm just grasping at straws and that it will probably be another big fat negative....

blah.....

Feeling very discouraged...very blah....very I don't know.... Not very good at just sitting and waiting..... when my gut tells me the wait will probably lead to a big fat negative on the HPT test.... blah blah blah....  It doesn't help that the OPKs that I've taken do not match up to the temping I've been doing every morning.  I just don't understand....  according to temps...had a huge temp drop on cd12 and it's been on the rise ever since...and yet since Sunday had an almost near positive on OPK.... doesn't match up....  Just so frustrated.........

nose dive

Temperature took a substantial nose dive this morning.....guess can count myself out this month.  Not surprised though....pretty discouraged.

blaaaaaaaaaah

Cd21.....went to doc for my blood draw so that she can check progesterone level....fingers crossed....holding my breath till Friday when get results.  im in the dreaded one week wait till AF is due.... as always I'm sure she'll show her ugly face.  So very, very discouraged.  Actually had someone tell me yesterday that the reason why we haven't become preggo is because God is punishing us..... Wow ok so guess all the crack whores, hookers, promiscuous teens, cheating wives, etc that fall pregnant  are being blessed because they have  led such pristine lives????  stupidity amazes me!

Haven't blogged in a while....

Well....finished my first round of clomid on cd7 and man it was NOT fun. When the dr. warned of  "bloating and mood swings" she was NOT kidding!!!!!!  Mood swings is an understatement....it's more like an emotional earthquake!!! lol   Anyways.....so after taking the medicine and timed baby dancing....now I am on cd17...so in the midst of the dreaded two week wait. Guess time will tell. I don't think the wait will end with a BFP on the HPT....but who knows...  Tuesday I go in for a blood draw for the dr. to check my progesterone level...to make sure 1. I'm ovulating and 2. if I'm ovulating strong enough.  If so, yay. If not...then the dosage of clomid will be increased and man I don't even wanna think about the side effects of an even stronger doseage!

Trying to hold it all together....another friend is preggo...and while I am SUPER happy for her it just makes a part of me so envious.  Then I have the regular bombardment of "when are y'all gonna pop one out" or "why haven't y'all had a baby yet"?????  Most days I just smile and say it's all up to God if we have a baby...but some days I just want to stab the person in the eye with a pencil.... lol   Mean..yeah I know...but come on people....it may be super easy for some out there...but for others it is a heartwrenching, emotionally trying, at times devastating effort that doesn't always end with the big 'pay off'.  I just wish people took the time to learn to be more sensitive to others when they do not know the situation.  Fertility issues affect millions of couples out there...30% is female related...30% is male related and 40% is just flat out unknown as to why...

well here we go....day 1 of Clomid...

Just took my first dose of Clomid.....so all aboard the fertility treatment train! lol  I am praying that the side effects are not as bad as have been reading....horrid bloating and hot flashes not to mention emotional craziness. lol Well guess here goes everything!

The dreaded 1ww (1 week wait)

CD23..... nearing the finish line of this cycle....ugly witch "Aunt Flo" is expected to rear her ugly face on Saturday. This 1 week wait is gonna be the death of me. Every month I tell myself to NOT obsess...NOT read anything into any twinges or 'signs' that I may actually be feeling or that may actually just be psychosomatic....but actually resisting is hard to do.  I am sure the witch is on the verge of showing up....I'm cranky and irritable...  Oh how I long for the days of when it was so easy and JUST happened..like with M & M.   This cramping for over a week though is annoying...and for the birds....and nothing I read online gives me any answers as to why I'd be cramping 2 weeks away from AF.... ( I ovulated on cd9....which is super early for me...but OPK said that's when I ovulated...so the cramping isn't O pains...) besides O pains don't last 1.5 weeks! lol    Anyhoo..... wish this week would just fly by.

Pretty sure......

my body LOVES to mess with me... LOL    cd 18....10 more days or so until AF should appear.... and I'm irritable and cramping as if AF was about to show up.  Seriously....what the heck!  Makes me wanna scream because it's all so frustrating and confusing sometimes. I'm basically a little past midcycle......seems like ovulation was super freaking early..... like cd8 or 9....  Ugh...just ready for this cycle to end so we can start anew in October.....

AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE PANTS......

Well....Jon is gonna be a daddy.....new wife is due in a few months..... Hard to understand why God would bless him....after all the literal HELL he put me, the girls and my family through...the emotional, physical, mental abuse...ad nauseum... and yet God choose to not bless us..... ahhhhhh the things that make you go HMMMMMMMMM.

Day 2 on the meds.....

Not sure if it's the metformin or the sythroid but something has taken away a good chunk of my appetite. Don't get me wrong...I'm happy about it...just wondering which medicine is doing. LOL    Now for the not so happy... hair loss has been bothering me for some time now...and it was one of the symptoms I've been experiencing that pushed me to find a new doctor, etc... and now I am reading that the either or both of these meds can cause hair loss.... Ugh... my hair used to be so unbelieveably thick...no scalp was ever really visible.... and now it's getting thinner and thinner.  Thought about using women's rogaine...but I'm reading it is in the class c group meaning it's unsure if it is safe during pregnancy...and some reviews I've read say that it has been linked to stillbirths...so that is ONE risk I don't want to take... but =[ not liking the hair loss part...especially if the meds make it WORSE!  =[

Today's doctor visit....

Appointment went well....Dr. Wilfong was very pleasant and likeable. She said that overall my labs came back normal. I will post my results at the end of this so that those FF and DW friends of mine who've been there/done that...and anyone else knowledgeable for that matter...who has personal experience can see them and let me know if there is anything I should question.  Dr. did advise that my TSH, although within the 'acceptable' range, wasn't where she would like to see it so she rx'd synthroid (??)... 50 mcg.  She said she sees nothing that indiciates any other problems. Said it most likely is the PCOS and IR interfering with getting/maintaining PG. So the plan of action is: 50mcg of synthroid, 2000mg of metformin and then not this month but next month 50mg of clomid.  She didn't want to start me on clomid this cycle so that the metformin and synthroid have a chance to build up in my system.  Art is to go for his semenanalysis. Which, of course, he's been putting off...but I told him just now...if he's serious about this then he needs to get  checked...if nothing else to rule it out.  And if he's not serious, to tell me so that I can stop worrying about all this crap and just be happy with the two girls.  He immediately said "I will do it!"  LOL    Ok.... anyways.... lab results... now keep in mind (if it matters) I am due to start AF on Sunday....so the blood was drawn on around cd18ish.... in between midcycle and luteal phase the doc said.

Estradiol 82
FSH 4.6
LH 11.4
Prolactin 9.7
TSH 2.9

and there is a ton of results under the 'general health panel'...all of which are within range it says.

So once I start clomid in October....day 21 I have to get a blood draw to check my progesterone. Doc said she'd call me and let me know results and then we'd go from there.

Ok...I just finished with Biology class and have History class tonight...but I'd love any input, etc.   Doc did say that sometimes just the metformin and thyroid meds do the trick..so who knows. OH! Doc did say to count the first day of ANY bleeding at all as CD1...which goes against so much of what I've read and heard...but it IS what my other doctor said too...  So...although I disagree....she's the specialist so I guess I will listen. And if that is the case...then that would mean our timing has been off most months!  Anyways....if the stupid spotting would just go away, confusion would go away too! LOL   Don't have it every month so maybe it will stay away once meds kick in!   Sooooooo here we go~~~~ =]

0 weeks and craving...........

A BABY!!!!  LOL   The recent viral posting of yet another mediocre attempt to recreate the first breast cancer awareness game left me irritated and annoyed.  Maybe it struck me as callous to those couples out there TTC (trying to conceive)....maybe I'm just over-sensitive to the issue.... but seeing the "I'm blah blah weeks and craving blah blah" was just annoying.  Reading all those posts was like having a knife stab me in the eye....and there was NO way I was going to play along.  Just the mere chance of jinxing my getting pregnant was enough to keep me from playing. No way No how.  In addition, it was just stupid. LOL  I mean...to each their own...and I respect that.... but some of these 'games' or chain posts are just ridiculous.   Ok...vent over ;o]

Two more days......

Two more days until back to the doctor. Nervous...anxious....excited....scared.   Been thinking alot this past weekend about the possible risk of abnormalities since I'm over 35.... Chance of Down's Syndrome and other chromosomal deficits are way higher after 35.  Also....ugh...do we really want to pass epilepsy down to the baby.  Although all doctors/scientists are not in 100% agreement that epilepsy is hereditary...it's still a chance we take.  This has bothered Art for a long time...he's always beating himself up...asking why he has to have it.... asking why he has it but his brother doesn't...since they are twins.  I have no explanation. The doctors that I have asked...and even my biology teacher...seems to feel that either both Art and his brother have it and it just hasn't showed itself to Art's brother....or that the guys aren't monozygotic twins (one egg)...and that they are dizygotic twins (two separate eggs) aka fraternal.   Contrary to popular belief....fraternal twins can look identical...there have been many documented cases of such.   Only way to know for sure is some type of special blood test. Regardless.... it's been weighing on my mind,. Making me wonder what if our own selfish desire to have a baby results in bringing into the world a baby that will be sick...or that won't be able to live a happy, normal life. =[

Sometimes the internet is NOT your friend......

Seems very easy to become overwhelmed with the plethora of information on the Internet...some of it at times contradictory to what I've just read elsewhere.  "Do this...don't do that...eat this...don't eat that...low carbs...no carbs....focus of protein....no...focus on healthy good carbs....caffeine is  bad....caffeine is ok.... artificial sweeteners are the devil.... a lil artificial sweeteners won't hurt..... Metformin is horrid....Metformin is a life saver. Clomid is a wonder drug....noooo Clomid is a joke... ugh! What the heck people!!!!  I realize many of these sites, books, magazine articles, etc... have a selfish reason behind their 'findings' and 'suggestions'...to pad their wallet...so I guess the best thing to do is follow the American Diabetes Association's recommendations as well as the Insulin Resistance Diet.  Cut back on my carbs....eliminate white bread, tortillas ( boo hoo), sugar, etc... basically just cut the junk out...which I know I can do.  What has me in a tizzy is my caffeine addiction.... oh how I wish I liked coffee. However I don't.  Diet DP is the monkey on my back. But I gotta get it down to just one in the morning. I need to find another means to kick start me in the morning. Gotta get back to walking/running...it always gave me tons of energy.  

I am hoping the doctor starts me on both meds on Thursday.... I don't have time to try this for x amount of months and then try that for another x amount of months.   I ask everyone to please pray....please send me all positive thoughts.... I so desperately want this....not just for me....and probably not predominately for me...but more so for Art... he is such a loving, caring, nurturing soul and deserves to be a daddy.

Beginning of the journey...or is it insanity....LOL

Sooooooo today I put my fear behind me and finally went to see a new doctor in regard to TTC (trying to conceive) and our inability to do so successfully.  Despite the negative feedback I had heard/read of this new doctor, she was thorough and very attentive...thankfully.  She did state what I already know...time is not my friend right now...the window of time is closing for me. Positive note, however, is the test that determines the adequacy of a woman's ovary reserve indicates that my ovaries are producing adequate amounts of eggs. =]   Dr. firmly believes that PCOS and IR  (insulin resistance) is completely messing up my hormones which in turn obliterates fertility.  So today she did the wonderful 'annual' exam and blood was drawn. I go back Thursday morning to review the results and get address the medicines she feels I need to be on.  The two mentioned were Metformin for the IR and Clomid to help stimulate ovulation.  Yes I am aware that Clomid has a reputation for producing multiples... LOL She was furious when I told her about my GP stating that since I was having a monthly 'period' that I was most DEFINITELY ovulating. I had read in the past and known girls/had friends who experienced the exact opposite. You can most definitely NOT ovulate even if you have a monthly bleed.... or sometimes you are just not ovulating strong...such as the case with PCOS.  So here we go. I wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time going to my normal GP...I wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time just 'waiting and seeing what happens' as my GP advised. I am thankful this new doctor seems very proactive and I am very hopeful. Time is a-wasting....I will deeply appreciate all prayers and positive thoughts sent our way.  We so desperately want a baby and we pray that the good Lord will bless us with one.  If you so choose to follow my blog...please be forewarned...I may vent or rant or cry or just ramble on.  Those closest to me know I love to ramble on and on and on! LOL   If anything like that may irritate you, please don't follow.  This blog is for friends and family who want to follow our journey and who will  be supportive and comforting...encouraging and soothing... as the case may ever be.   <3