Put on a happy face.....

That's all you can do sometimes, right? Smile...never let them see you cry....never let them see you sweat...just put on the happy face and keep on trucking.  Blah......

Period FINALLY showed up...after being 4 days late....and with a VENGEANCE! So much so that I had to call my doctor...going through numerous feminine products in an hour....and passing a huge grayish-red 'clot' had me freaked out. Dr. seems to think I may have had a missed miscarriage... If that is the case, I am thankful that I did not continue to test these last few days.  Had it shown up positive and then I ended up losing it, I truly believe I would have gone insane.... This way is easier.... somewhat....I guess.  It's all in God's plans....as is everything.  A dear friend had a miscarriage last month....and this month is preggo and her bloodwork is good and strong...so maybe I will luck out and have that happen as well... but not counting on it.  Need to seriously start researching cost of IUI and IVF.... For now...on to round 3 of Clomid....  but deep inside I still feel defective and defeated. Gotta push that deep down inside me though...have finals the next two weeks....gotta do well....can't become even more of a defect....

My heart is crushed...soul is defeated....

I guess even the most promising charts don't mean a thing....and as for the infamous 'implantation dip'... I do believe it's not a well proven theory...because I had what looked to be THE CLASSIC implantation dip....and as far as yesterday and today's tests go....BIG FAT NOTHING!  Temp did go down this morning....Yet...still no AF.... guess my body likes to continue playing it's cruel trick on me...for every time I check and no sign of red, I stupidly hold on to hope that maybe this is a repeat of when I was preggo with Kensie and couldn't get an hpt to read positive until I was almost 8 weeks preggo.   Been trying to hold it together...yet everything and anything  causes tears to well up...  My soul truly feels defeated...I feel defective...I feel unworthy.  How the heck can God bless that bastard Jon with another child and yet not Art???

Trying to not get my hopes up.........

I'm on cd20 and it is becoming increasingly more difficult to not get my hopes up as I am getting closer and closer to the end of my cycle. Especially since I had a big temperature dip yesterday that coincides with around when there could be implantation so now I am consumed with wondering if it was an implantation dip..... or just a fluke....add to that the fact that I was nauseated off and on all day yesterday....which from what I've read can coincide with implantation....Ugh~ add to that the fact that I am not experiencing any breast soreness that usually begins a week before my period starts. All of these leaves me so very hopeful and yet my brain keeps tellilng me "stop being so stupid Jeanie"... Guess we will know more in about a week.... I feel extremely foolish for allowing myself to get my hopes up....but how can I not be hopeful...We want this so badly....and man it would be the best birthday present for Art!  I need to come on back to reality though.... and realize that I'm just grasping at straws and that it will probably be another big fat negative....

blah.....

Feeling very discouraged...very blah....very I don't know.... Not very good at just sitting and waiting..... when my gut tells me the wait will probably lead to a big fat negative on the HPT test.... blah blah blah....  It doesn't help that the OPKs that I've taken do not match up to the temping I've been doing every morning.  I just don't understand....  according to temps...had a huge temp drop on cd12 and it's been on the rise ever since...and yet since Sunday had an almost near positive on OPK.... doesn't match up....  Just so frustrated.........