Mother nature....I DESPISE YOU!

CD 19 and I noticed slight spotting during my last trip to the bathroom.  AF not due for another 8 to 9 days so I guess dear sweet mother nature is playing games with me and my hormones again.... I refuse to read much into it which would lead to my hoping it is implantation spotting...Not going down that road again to just be disappointed...  Just irritated by it and needed to vent and get it out of me so that it won't fester. 

"always the bridesmaid...never the bride".....

Well in my case it's always the preggo's friend never the preggo. Ugh just about sums it up as the ugly witch lurks heartlessly right around the corner. I stupidly had high hopes for this cycle. Timed intercourse couldn't have been any better! The weeks following ovulation felt different and led me to regrettable hope. Just goes to prove none of the bodily signs mean thing. Raised temps for 10 consecutive days don't mean a thing. Perfectly timed intercourse don't mean a thing. Increased cervical fluid doesn't mean a thing. Weird pinches and heaviness in the location of the uterus doesn't mean a thing. Tiredness moreso than normal, stuffy nose, bleeding gums...all don't mean a thing. Dreams of being preggo in addition to my extremely vivid dreams don't mean a thing. None of it means a damn thing! Except yet another failure....another disappointment and more hurt on Arts face when I have to tell him. Whether it's his fertility issues or my damn PCOS causing the issue I have no idea. What I do know is this blows. Adoption is out of the question and IVF is too I am sure. Cost of them both are astronomical. Not sure what course is next. I think I've cried enough tears behind closed doors to fill Lake Travis back up...at least that's how it feels. Having to stifle it all and go about life as if all is perfect is definitely challenging at times. I am so thankful for what I do have...don't get me wrong. I cherish my family and those dear amazing friends who are always there for me no matter what....always have a supportive or loving word. My mom and family, my mom and dad in law, Merry and Donald...they all make my world complete and are always there for us. I am grateful for my being able to go back to school. My family and school are what keeps me together and brings such joy to my heart. All of this does bring comfort to me yet still can't resolve the longing and emptiness we feel.

(I apologize if there are any typos....typing this on my iPhone....lol).

To those who are always there with a warm caring thought....Mom...Deb...Sarah...Liz...Cher...and others - I live y'all and it means so much to have such caring people around us. Xoxoxo

Sitting waiting wishing hoping....

Well I'm in the 1ww (1 week wait) before AF is due to show her face. Another dreaded week of waiting...man I'm sick of this broken record.

Knife in the gut...heart....you take your pick....

Soooooooooooooo my ex and his new wife welcomed a healthy, big baby boy into the world yesterday and hearing/seeing the pictures of the baby and the happy lil family has just wrecked me right now... Now of course I am happy that the baby is healthy and that all is well. I would never wish harm upon any of them.... but I will be honest it does kill me that he gets to be blessed with a beautiful lil baby and we don't.  I'm fighting back tears every second and I can feel the bitterness trying to engulf my heart and soul.  It was bad enough seeing a recent FB "omg I'm pg" post by yet another irresponsible, drug using girl who changes guys like she changes underwear...and lo and behold she has no clue who the daddy is...  I pray for these babies. I pray they grow up loved and cared for. I pray that history will never repeat itself and that these babies live a very happy, secure life.

I gotta shake this off. It goes against who I am to be bitter like this. I sure as heck don't need to fall into the poor me syndrome...  but man this sure does hurt....

Fake it till you make it!

Put on a happy face. Put on a happy face. Fake it till you make it! Be thankful for what I do have. Don't dwell on what I don't...

Must have been on Santas naughty list----

Not only no snow but spotting came today as my present....yay me. Guess AF is on her way...was so hoping for a miracle....would love to just lay in bed....

Cd 24 ---10 days past ovulation---4 or 5 days until AF is due....cramping pretty bad-guess it's pre-AF cramps. Even tested just for the heck of it.and of course nothing Another cycle down the toilet. Another knife into my heart. Was so hoping for a Christmas miracle... Gonna have a good cry and then put my big girl panties on along with a smile and "never let 'me see you sweat"..... This sucks. The end.

Let the insanity begin....

On cycle day 19 today.... 5 DPO... so now I'm in the midst of yet another two week wait...well actually about 10 days.... yay me....bring on the NOT trying to hope, worry, wonder, pray etc...etc.. I promise I am trying to NOT read anything into anything this cycle and even if something makes me wonder or hope I am telling myself there's no way I'm preggo...that way the disappointment is less.  I will not pray that I am preggo every other second like I did last cycle. Just ready to get through the next 10 days quickly. If it's God's will....it will happen....that's what I keep telling myself.  Still get bitter at times...especially after hearing of a local 17 year old girl killing her 3 day old baby....by putting COCAINE in his bottle.... sickens me beyond words!!!!! I sure as heck don't understand the way things work out...but guess it's not my place to understand... I am so very grateful for the two girls I have and for the wonderful husband God gave me...for our own home, food on the table, and wonderful family and friends. I have some awesomely awesome friends that I would never trade for any amount of gold in the world...and I love y'all for always being there for me and for always understanding. <3  I'd be lying if I said I still don't desperately want a baby...I do.... but I also realize I must be thankful for what I do have...and I am...just would love a baby with Art to complete our lil family.

Put on a happy face.....

That's all you can do sometimes, right? Smile...never let them see you cry....never let them see you sweat...just put on the happy face and keep on trucking.  Blah......

Period FINALLY showed up...after being 4 days late....and with a VENGEANCE! So much so that I had to call my doctor...going through numerous feminine products in an hour....and passing a huge grayish-red 'clot' had me freaked out. Dr. seems to think I may have had a missed miscarriage... If that is the case, I am thankful that I did not continue to test these last few days.  Had it shown up positive and then I ended up losing it, I truly believe I would have gone insane.... This way is easier.... somewhat....I guess.  It's all in God's plans....as is everything.  A dear friend had a miscarriage last month....and this month is preggo and her bloodwork is good and strong...so maybe I will luck out and have that happen as well... but not counting on it.  Need to seriously start researching cost of IUI and IVF.... For now...on to round 3 of Clomid....  but deep inside I still feel defective and defeated. Gotta push that deep down inside me though...have finals the next two weeks....gotta do well....can't become even more of a defect....

My heart is crushed...soul is defeated....

I guess even the most promising charts don't mean a thing....and as for the infamous 'implantation dip'... I do believe it's not a well proven theory...because I had what looked to be THE CLASSIC implantation dip....and as far as yesterday and today's tests go....BIG FAT NOTHING!  Temp did go down this morning....Yet...still no AF.... guess my body likes to continue playing it's cruel trick on me...for every time I check and no sign of red, I stupidly hold on to hope that maybe this is a repeat of when I was preggo with Kensie and couldn't get an hpt to read positive until I was almost 8 weeks preggo.   Been trying to hold it together...yet everything and anything  causes tears to well up...  My soul truly feels defeated...I feel defective...I feel unworthy.  How the heck can God bless that bastard Jon with another child and yet not Art???

Trying to not get my hopes up.........

I'm on cd20 and it is becoming increasingly more difficult to not get my hopes up as I am getting closer and closer to the end of my cycle. Especially since I had a big temperature dip yesterday that coincides with around when there could be implantation so now I am consumed with wondering if it was an implantation dip..... or just a fluke....add to that the fact that I was nauseated off and on all day yesterday....which from what I've read can coincide with implantation....Ugh~ add to that the fact that I am not experiencing any breast soreness that usually begins a week before my period starts. All of these leaves me so very hopeful and yet my brain keeps tellilng me "stop being so stupid Jeanie"... Guess we will know more in about a week.... I feel extremely foolish for allowing myself to get my hopes up....but how can I not be hopeful...We want this so badly....and man it would be the best birthday present for Art!  I need to come on back to reality though.... and realize that I'm just grasping at straws and that it will probably be another big fat negative....

blah.....

Feeling very discouraged...very blah....very I don't know.... Not very good at just sitting and waiting..... when my gut tells me the wait will probably lead to a big fat negative on the HPT test.... blah blah blah....  It doesn't help that the OPKs that I've taken do not match up to the temping I've been doing every morning.  I just don't understand....  according to temps...had a huge temp drop on cd12 and it's been on the rise ever since...and yet since Sunday had an almost near positive on OPK.... doesn't match up....  Just so frustrated.........

nose dive

Temperature took a substantial nose dive this morning.....guess can count myself out this month.  Not surprised though....pretty discouraged.

blaaaaaaaaaah

Cd21.....went to doc for my blood draw so that she can check progesterone level....fingers crossed....holding my breath till Friday when get results.  im in the dreaded one week wait till AF is due.... as always I'm sure she'll show her ugly face.  So very, very discouraged.  Actually had someone tell me yesterday that the reason why we haven't become preggo is because God is punishing us..... Wow ok so guess all the crack whores, hookers, promiscuous teens, cheating wives, etc that fall pregnant  are being blessed because they have  led such pristine lives????  stupidity amazes me!

Haven't blogged in a while....

Well....finished my first round of clomid on cd7 and man it was NOT fun. When the dr. warned of  "bloating and mood swings" she was NOT kidding!!!!!!  Mood swings is an understatement....it's more like an emotional earthquake!!! lol   Anyways.....so after taking the medicine and timed baby dancing....now I am on cd17...so in the midst of the dreaded two week wait. Guess time will tell. I don't think the wait will end with a BFP on the HPT....but who knows...  Tuesday I go in for a blood draw for the dr. to check my progesterone level...to make sure 1. I'm ovulating and 2. if I'm ovulating strong enough.  If so, yay. If not...then the dosage of clomid will be increased and man I don't even wanna think about the side effects of an even stronger doseage!

Trying to hold it all together....another friend is preggo...and while I am SUPER happy for her it just makes a part of me so envious.  Then I have the regular bombardment of "when are y'all gonna pop one out" or "why haven't y'all had a baby yet"?????  Most days I just smile and say it's all up to God if we have a baby...but some days I just want to stab the person in the eye with a pencil.... lol   Mean..yeah I know...but come on people....it may be super easy for some out there...but for others it is a heartwrenching, emotionally trying, at times devastating effort that doesn't always end with the big 'pay off'.  I just wish people took the time to learn to be more sensitive to others when they do not know the situation.  Fertility issues affect millions of couples out there...30% is female related...30% is male related and 40% is just flat out unknown as to why...

well here we go....day 1 of Clomid...

Just took my first dose of Clomid.....so all aboard the fertility treatment train! lol  I am praying that the side effects are not as bad as have been reading....horrid bloating and hot flashes not to mention emotional craziness. lol Well guess here goes everything!

The dreaded 1ww (1 week wait)

CD23..... nearing the finish line of this cycle....ugly witch "Aunt Flo" is expected to rear her ugly face on Saturday. This 1 week wait is gonna be the death of me. Every month I tell myself to NOT obsess...NOT read anything into any twinges or 'signs' that I may actually be feeling or that may actually just be psychosomatic....but actually resisting is hard to do.  I am sure the witch is on the verge of showing up....I'm cranky and irritable...  Oh how I long for the days of when it was so easy and JUST happened..like with M & M.   This cramping for over a week though is annoying...and for the birds....and nothing I read online gives me any answers as to why I'd be cramping 2 weeks away from AF.... ( I ovulated on cd9....which is super early for me...but OPK said that's when I ovulated...so the cramping isn't O pains...) besides O pains don't last 1.5 weeks! lol    Anyhoo..... wish this week would just fly by.

Pretty sure......

my body LOVES to mess with me... LOL    cd 18....10 more days or so until AF should appear.... and I'm irritable and cramping as if AF was about to show up.  Seriously....what the heck!  Makes me wanna scream because it's all so frustrating and confusing sometimes. I'm basically a little past midcycle......seems like ovulation was super freaking early..... like cd8 or 9....  Ugh...just ready for this cycle to end so we can start anew in October.....

AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE PANTS......

Well....Jon is gonna be a daddy.....new wife is due in a few months..... Hard to understand why God would bless him....after all the literal HELL he put me, the girls and my family through...the emotional, physical, mental abuse...ad nauseum... and yet God choose to not bless us..... ahhhhhh the things that make you go HMMMMMMMMM.

Day 2 on the meds.....

Not sure if it's the metformin or the sythroid but something has taken away a good chunk of my appetite. Don't get me wrong...I'm happy about it...just wondering which medicine is doing. LOL    Now for the not so happy... hair loss has been bothering me for some time now...and it was one of the symptoms I've been experiencing that pushed me to find a new doctor, etc... and now I am reading that the either or both of these meds can cause hair loss.... Ugh... my hair used to be so unbelieveably thick...no scalp was ever really visible.... and now it's getting thinner and thinner.  Thought about using women's rogaine...but I'm reading it is in the class c group meaning it's unsure if it is safe during pregnancy...and some reviews I've read say that it has been linked to stillbirths...so that is ONE risk I don't want to take... but =[ not liking the hair loss part...especially if the meds make it WORSE!  =[